Triptych: The Fall Of The 11th

"Doctor Who 50th Anniversary" (t-shirt) by David Johnston

"Sensei Who" (t-shirt) by Eozen

"Chibi TARDIS and Dalek" (t-shirt) by Jeff Pina

So that season 7 finale of Doctor Who, hey? (NOTE: Spoilers are contained below! If you haven't watched the finale episode yet, stop reading!)

Showcase: Steampunk Transformers

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"Optimus Prime"

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"Megatron"

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"Soundwave"

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"Bumblebee"

A disclaimer: I try to avoid anything steampunk here, because let's be honest - steampunk has been done to death, and then some. I could go into a whole rant about steampunk, in fact, and how it was a novelty for about six months back in 2002 before it got co-opted by the Hot Topic crowd and blown completely out of proportion, but that wouldn't change the fact that blue-haired teenagers wearing corsets, goggles and top hats would continue to celebrate an era of western history typified by its horrific working conditions, abuse of children and the poor, and rampant, unchecked colonial expansionism. So I'll leave it alone.

But, having said that, sometimes I come across something that uses steampunk tropes to its advantage, and that's what we have here, with Brian Kesinger's clever steampunk\Transformers mashup. As you may or may not know, depending on how nerdy you are, IDW published a steampunk Transformers miniseries, called "Hearts of Steel". Kesinger's industrial revolution revisions of Transformers blows that officially sanctioned concept out of the water, thanks to his attention to detail and a number of sardonic touches.

In particular, I love how both Optimus and Megatron are sporting mustaches. I love how Optimus turns into a steam-powered locomotive, Megatron into a baroquely-patterned sixshooter, and Soundwave into a victrola\player piano. I love how era-specific hats have been incorporated into each character's robot mode.

If more steampunk had as much of a sense of humor as this, I probably wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it out of hand.

[Brian Kesinger on Deviantart]

Square Enix...

You're a bunch of dicks.

Let's break this down:

1. I don't have an iPhone or an iPad, nor do I plan on getting one. You may be surprised to learn this, but there are gamers out there who are not part of the cult of Apple.

2. If I did have an iPhone or an iPad, I wouldn't be playing games on it. Why? Because I'd rather play games on a handheld or home console that was actually designed for such, and doesn't specifically cater to 'casual gamers' (oh how I hate what that phrase has come to mean) over people who actually enjoy playing proper games that aren't Angry Birds or Bejeweled.

3. If I did have an iPhone or an iPad and I did play games on it, I still wouldn't play The World Ends With You: Solo Remix because it's freaking $19.99.

Well-played, I suppose, Square Enix. You got me all excited about the possibilities of a sequel or a 3D remake of a cult classic, only to let me down in every single imaginable way. A countdown timer for an iOS remake of a four-year-old game? You got everyone all riled up for something cool, and your big reveal was the furthest thing from cool that i can imagine. But, eh... Maybe there are some Apple fanboys out there who are excited about this. I'M HAPPY FOR YOU JERKS.

Triptych: Slime Creatures From Outer Space

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"Maquinitas" by Andrés Ariza

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"Foot Soldier Beat Down" by Bobby O'Herlihy

"Ancient Ninja Xenomorphs" (t-shirt) by Billy Allison

There's been a lot of uproar lately over Michael Bay's appropriation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and his decision to mess around with the canon, and while I don't have a lot to say about it due to the fact that (while I have very little faith in Bay and the touted 'co-creator' involved, Kevin Eastman, is the slightly douchier of the Eastman and Laird duo) it feels like a bit of a tempest-in-a-teacup situation, I feel like I should say something.

So the issue at stake here is that Michael Bay is producing a reboot of TMNT. The director on-board is one Jonathan Liebesman, responsible for such cinematic masterpieces as Battle: Los Angeles and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. The title of the film - or the working title as of this writing, at least - is "Ninja Turtles", and the summary on IMDb reads: "Aliens invade Earth and inadvertently spawn a quartet of mutated reptile warriors, the Ninja Turtles, who rise up against them to defend the world." Already, you can see why the TMNT fanbase has been provoked:

1. Michael Bay is not known for respectful treatment of source material;
2. This Jonathan Liebesman bloke is hardly a subtle or adroit filmmaker;
3. The "Teenage" and "Mutant" parts of TMNT have been dropped (in favour of being, one presumes, a more edgy 20-something-ish and alien);
4. "Aliens spawn mutated reptile warriors" sounds like the plot of a direct-to-video Asylum mockbuster of TMNT, rather than a legitimate TMNT summer blockbuster.

While all of this is more than valid, I think the one big takeaway here is that Michael Bay clearly does not understand, or care, how fan culture works. The man is not a geek - he's the furthest thing from a geek imaginable. He does not love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles any more than he loved Transformers. To him, Transformers and now TMNT are properties to be exploited, and the worst part is, the world has proven him right. Michael Bay made millions, and grossed Paramount BILLIONS, with his execrable Transformers franchise, and paying homage to the classic animated series, or lip service to the now 20- and 30-year-olds who grew up watching it, was never part of his equation. So my question is not, "How DARE Michael Bay pervert the Turtles that I know and love?!" My question is, "Why do you keep expecting something different from Michael Bay, and what right do you have to be so outraged?"

This bears repeating: Bay's first Transformers movie grossed over $700 million dollars worldwide. Do you know how much the animated Transformers: The Movie made, back in 1986? $5.8 million. Accounting for inflation, that's a little over $12 million, meaning that Bay's Transformers reboot made FIFTY-EIGHT TIMES as much money as the original animated Transformers. And that's just the first of his unholy trilogy... The two sequels grossed $836 million and $1.12 BILLION worldwide, respectively.

The argument could be made that Bay would have made just as much, if not more, money by sticking to the script and paying heed to Transformers canon. My response to that is: bullshit. He didn't do that because he didn't care, even a little, about the fans. He knew that the formula ("Giant CGI Robots" + "Big Explosions" + "Hilariously Stoned Parents") x Established Toy Franchise = Success. Now, this makes me just as furious as anyone out there, because it means that something I love from my childhood has been exploited and prostituted in the interest of crass commerce, but let me just say this:

MICHAEL BAY IS NOT GOING TO STOP DOING THIS.

He's going to keep pimping out everything you love until the world stops paying him more money than you or I will ever see in our lifetimes. He will remake, reboot, warp, degrade and poison anything and everything with the slightest sheen of nostalgia that he can get his hands on, because the movie-going populace is proving him so, so right. Frankly, I'm surprised that he even condescended to respond to the TMNT fanbase with some nonsense about how the Ooze was originally from outer space and besides, he's got Kevin Eastman on board with this so everything's kosher, guys. I'm surprised because it seems out of character for him, but I'm also surprised because it indicates just how little he thinks of the fans he's so thoroughly discounted his entire career. He is pretending to care about the fans, when he has been given ZERO reason to do so up until now, and now that he's said his piece, he's going to ahead and just do whatever he wants regardless.

Stop thinking that there's any hope for TMNT. It was dead the minute Michael Bay got ahold of it. The only thing you can do now is refuse to pay to see it and hope that enough other people in the world feel the same way. To a man who understands things only in financial terms, critical feedback is meaningless, so instead of trying to reason with Michael Bay's brain or appeal to his heart, go for his pocket. Your internet outrage only proves to him that he's getting attention. Stop paying for his movies and direct your anger at anyone who does. Make it a genuinely shameful thing to have seen a Michael Bay movie.